Central citizens

SATIRE. Cityscape sticks its tongue in its cheek with a take on some of the personalities who live between the four avenues.

1 The Yo-Pro

She’s smart, she’s slick, she’s just landed her first six-figure job and she’s burnt her first month’s wage on an iPhone 12 and the deposit on a two-bedroom rental. Life is pretty good when the gym and the local cinema – easily her two favourite places to pass a weekday evening – are both just around the corner. She’s just scootered home from work via Riverside Market for some fresh weekend groceries, her fridge is stocked with Sauv and she’s about to text the girls to meet up for a pre-weekender at a pretty sweet new bar in High Street. Those fools may have to Uber into town and back, but she’s all set with a good pair of flats for a five-minute walk to funky town. Smart.

Lives in the SALT District, home of the fun and fashionable. Often spotted carrying a KeepCup and a yoga mat. Catchphrase “Adulting so hard right now.”

2 The Hospo Hero

Management major by day, mixologist by night. He moved in with two classmates last year, and between them their jobs cover coffee, cocktails and chef duty. He’s just been promoted to bar manager and refers to himself as a “career hospo professional”, slinging martinis with a charming grin and an immaculately-ironed black shirt. He communicates with his close mates via a WhatsApp group chat called 'Chch kids 2.0', and with everyone else via Insta stories. Today he’s off duty and caught up on his readings, so he’s grabbing a late lunch of vegan loaded fries at The Welder before he hits up an art exhibition opening for some free canapés.

Lives just around the corner from Welles Street. Often spotted cycling with a laptop bag slung over his shoulder. Catchphrase “Up2?”

3 The Happy Family

The kids’ eyes lit up when they saw their new neighbour was the Margaret Mahy Playground, but the real winner was Dad, who’s spent the last four years driving to and from parks with different combinations of sports equipment trying desperately to burn off a bit of his offspring’s energy. Now he’s sitting on a bench with The Press, keeping one eye on playground happenings and adjusting his Crusaders scarf while he reads about plans for the arena down the road. Mum’s walking home from a quick shopping mission and the afternoon is set aside for some quality family fun exploring the riverbanks – there seems to be more time for that now that commutes are a thing of the past.

Lives in the Moa neighbourhood, just north of the Ōtākaro Avon River. Often spotted checking out the posters for kid-friendly shows in the Isaac Theatre Royal window. Catchphrase “Gelato time?”

4 The Empty Nesters

Got. It. Sorted. They held on to their big drafty villa for years after their youngest daughter moved out “just in case”. But this year they had a collective epiphany: they sold up, bought a warm apartment overlooking Hagley Park and never looked back. Now they spend their days practicing golf and their evenings catching concerts at the Town Hall and The Piano. They tell their kids they got a bargain because the home will only appreciate in value, especially once the Canterbury Multi-Use Arena and Parakiore Recreation and Sports Centre are finished (they only refer to these by their full official names). But really what’s got him buzzing is the idea that Springsteen might come back to rock the city, and she’s keen to have morning swims together before their customary stroll through the Botanic Gardens. Now that’s cute.

Lives half way between green space and retail central. Often spotted carrying new indoor plants into the elevator. Catchphrase “You’ll never believe who we bumped into today.”

5 The Man About Town

Nobody’s quite sure what he does (something with computers?) but they sure know who he is. He greets his neighbours and baristas by their names, and seems to be everywhere at once, rotating between working from home, various local cafés, and his favourite shared working space. He visits the barber down the road at least twice a month, his Instagram account has over 2000 followers, and he takes the time to set up the lighting before posting a story. He owns six tailored suits thanks to the savings he makes by being part of a car share collective. He may have grown up in the ‘burbs, but he’s found his good life and can’t imagine going back to anything else.

Lives next to Rauora Park, where he can see nature but doesn’t actually have to participate in it. Often spotted lifting at the gym. Catchphrase “This is gonna be a game-changer.”